Still in search of inspiration for my holiday cards (or new year's cards...or something...) i started reading through my journal of the past year. I discovered some themes that remain the same though the players change names. Also, some dreams that i was trying to relate to then, that make even more sense with the now and i can't help but wonder if this whole year hasn't been one great test of my endurance and resolve. I suppose according to some decks of tarot you could say this has been the year of Strength for me or coming into that from the whirl of the Wheel of Fortune and now i carry that forward into the year of the Hanged Man which whispers to me of "letting go and letting god." Other decks swap Strength with Justice. Which acutally makes even more sense, that then puts Strength in the year of my move to Asheville, truly stepping out on my own and coming into my own power. Then the Justice comes into play with this year's need to hold back from reacting to other people based on my own insecurities and fears. Balancing the scales of justice when emotions are involved is very difficult. There have also been moments this year that required me to stick up for myself and let others know when i'm not being treated fairly. I find that really difficult to do and think perhaps that is why there has been a sense of needing to "endure" some of the goings on this year. Also, the only way to defend myself from being misjudged is to simply be myself. There is a lovely little poem by Dorothy Parker that comes to mind.

Now, i believe this poem to be under copyright © The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People and the Estate of Dorothy Parker. All rights reserved. However, it can be found many places on the internet so it may have fallen into public domain. (There is an interesting tidbit here about Ms. Parker's death and Lillian Hellman's fight with the NAACP over the estate.) I have spent the past week tracking down copyright holders for various poems and so it is with a bit of trepidation that i post this, but here it is any way. Enjoy.~w

Superfluous Advice
Should they whisper false of you,
Never trouble to deny;
Should the words they say be true,
Weep and storm and swear they lie.
--Dorothy Parker

I watched Happenstance last night. A very lovely little movie. The odd thing about it is that the title in French is "Le Battement D’Aile du Papillon" which even though my French is poor and rusty i was able to tell was a very different title having to do with a butterfly. Later in the film a character mentions the idea that the beat of the wing of a butterfly over the Atlantic ocean could cause a tsunami in the Pacific. What a strange thing to go from "The Beat of the Wing of the Butterfly" to "Happenstance." Unless you consider it pure happenstance that when i opened my new book to read afterwards on the second page there is a footnote: "Like finding that bloody butterfly whose flapping wings cause all these storms we've been having lately and getting it to stop." (Terry Pratchett). Between that, and my horoscope telling me to "be wary of being certain of anything this weekend" i've decided to tread lightly and carefully with a wide open mind for the next few days (or hours at least).~w

I'm moving very slow today. Well, i moved slow yesterday too, but that was okay. It's hard to get back up to speed after a mid-week holiday. I still don't have my holiday cards done, and so they won't get into the mail until at least tomorrow now. Mrph. I wanna go back to bed instead of in to work.~w

merriest of merries and joyest of joys to all this fine day. the wind is blowing hard here with just a dust of snow to dance in the sunlight. it is stark and cold but beautiful in its own way.~w

I can officially say that i did not enjoy going into the office yesterday. It made me grumpy. Still i've got a project that i need to put a few more hours in on today. Silly i know. I realized this is the first time ever that i'm not at my mom's for Christmas Eve. I have all kinds of friends and my sister who've missed christmas at home before, but i never have. I didn't really think about it until yesterday, i haven't had the time. I need to work on restructuring my time and making it my own again in the coming year.~w

It seems strange to go back to work between my birthday and christmas. It seems that i've had the time off for so long i've forgotten what it's like to work through the holidays. Hmm. I'm not sure i like it. I'll have to decided after today.~w

Happy Birthday to me....~w