Saturday, March 03, 2001
It's been a roller coaster ride today. Now it's late (or early) but i'm at home. I'm spending the night in my own little bed, it fits me just right, but there's a cat on my head. I mentioned i was looking forward to visiting with friends, but i had no idea how much fun (and how long) i'd end up chatting tonight. I need it though because ciro and i are about out of rope. He's decided to jump ship at the end of the month. It hasn't sunk in completely yet. But, by proceding with my evening i found that i'm actually not alone in this sea of humanity.
By the way, remind me to write about Mortis the dragon sometime (named after the fellow in Piers Anthony's book, On a Pale Horse). I'm too tired to get into it now though, but it came to mind as something worth writing about.~w
wendi's 3:53 AM ravings
Thursday, March 01, 2001
Well we performed three more shows today that all went smoothly. Not much to report there. Our contact person drove us up the winding hills to the little town where the school sits. We made a lot of small talk. It's hard to come up with things to say to a person you don't really know who seems to be rather shy herself. I did learn a little more about the area and how the arts organizations work, or don't work together. She is also more familiar with arts in Asheville than i am, so i asked her a bit about that. It felt very stifled though. She drives slower than ciro. So, while it was a longer ride, i wasn't as queasy when we got to the end of the road.
I think exhaustion is catching up with me. After my nap today i feel like i never really woke up again. It's like i'm wandering through a dream of some sort. In the morning i have to wake up early enough to pack everything up again. I don't think i'll be awake long enough tonight to do much of that. I woke up kinda wheezy today, which worries me because that's what started me being rather sick for New Year's. I may have a fever. I may just have allergies and need some sleep. I was very excited that it was warm enough here to open a window in the room, but maybe the chill night air wasn't so good for me after all. Who knows. All i know is that my brain is a pile of mush. I'm looking forward to hanging out with friends in Asheville tomorrow evening so i really hope it's not anything lasting.
when the dust is blown away
i feel the heat of the new sun rising
the past is gone and i must move on
for this is a time of changing.
holding on is only constricting
the books of history have their weight
heavy on my chest, set them down
let them be. it's only novel now, not exciting.
slip through the waters of dream
refreshing and refracting light.
it clears the sand caked in my eyes
as i let my soul become my sight.
That's what happens when i try to type a poem with my eyes closed. (okay i admit it, i did fix some of the typos).~w
wendi's 10:31 PM ravings
Wednesday, February 28, 2001
Shows went smoothly today and we visited a 1st grade class during our "free" time to see them do a poem they had prepared for us. Then they asked us interview questions for their school newsletter. It was really fun to have the time to just hang out and talk with them. They asked super questions! Granted they had spent some time preparing them and had a list to work from, but the ones they came up with on the spot were great as well. There's nothing that makes you look more closely at who you are than being grilled by a 1st grader!
I arrived back in my hotel room to hear the tv blathering about the earthquake in Seattle, and it was still new enough that they didn't know much about what was going on. I did what you're probably not supposed to do and tried calling my family and friends to no avail, all i got was "all circuits are busy" and that annoying raspberry in my ear of a phone that is busy. Thinking quickly, i figured that email would be the fastest route if folks could still get online. The more the reports came in though the more i relaxed. I mean, the Alaskan Way viaduct was still intact so it couldn't be all that bad. The news reporters were digging for deaths and injuries and damages, but it seemed to be mostly superficial rather than major destruction. Still, I'm glad i no longer have that apartment in an old building on capitol hill that was riddled with plaster cracks from previous earthquakes (and my cat is safely situated in a house far from fault lines). As the emails rolled in it looked like everyone i know came out of it just fine. The most interesting story was from my Aunt who got a rollercoaster ride "better than Disneyland" on the 60th floor of the Columbia Center. The worst that seemed to happen was that a couple of people lost power. Whew!
Growing up in the Northwest earthquakes were often a topic of discussion. In science class all through school i was informed that due to the number of "liquefaction zones" in the Seattle area it was important to be prepared for the worst. This, simply put, means that if earthquake tremors hit it right, the earth underneath parts of the city becomes pudding, all squishy and slippery and houses and buildings could slide into lakes or the Sound. Add to that the fact the date May 18, 1980 is permanently lodged in my brain even though we didn't receive ash fall at our house. (Oh, for those of you not from the area that was when Mt. St. Helens blew.) It's kinda crazy growing up living next to a bunch of volcanoes that are sleeping giants capable of waking up at any time in a really foul mood. They're gorgeous and dangerous. Add to that the fact that every year around this time there tends to be a tremor of some kind there. I remember being awakened from a nap because my bed jumped. I remember cooking dinner in the kitchen and wondering why the cat was acting weird only to realized that the chandelier in the hallway above her was swinging. I remember driving my car through downtown and thinking i'd been bumped, but there were no cars around and so i turned on the radio and heard the news. I remember hanging at the OK Hotel talking with friends and trying to figure out why the floor felt more uneven than usual until the glassware started clinking. Little tremors, not enough to jump and run, but enough to remind you that danger is always present when you live over fault lines.
I'm glad that it was a deep tremor that didn't hurt too many people. I love the northwest, but it is a place where mother nature demands respect. If you mess with her too much she'll shake you down.~w
wendi's 11:53 PM ravings
Tuesday, February 27, 2001
I feel completely uninteresting today. My mind is like a blank wall perhaps blocking out all the mental noise going on around me. I feel like i'm moving in circles in my little hotel room from computer to tv to candle to shower to computer...you get the idea. Maybe i should just have read my book today and stopped trying to do something useful. I didn't accomplish anything useful anyway and then i could at least have said i read a good book. Oh, i did fill out my post show paperwork, but that is in itself rather dull. Oh, and i talked to mom once i figured out how to check my voicemail for my cell phone without paying roaming charges. I was very frustrated when it rang...do i answer and pay 40c per minute or wait and see if they leave me voicemail...ack how do i check voicemail when it's roaming? But, i was relieved to find myself smart enough to figure it out eventually.
We went to visit the school in Nantahala today. This was our third visit to this little school. It's amazing to recognize students and see how they've grown. It was a rough and tumble feeling kinda day though. I just felt like my head, heart and body weren't all working together today. All our shows went smoothly and there was a great little crowd that showed up for our evening show at the library, and the audiences were very happy. I just felt like i wasn't up to snuff. I got a great therapeutic massage this afternoon to try and fix my back (too much time in the car and a flying leap off a stage to my knee last week had me pretty miserable feeling). Now i'm just plain tired. So that's what i did today, now i have a headache from staring at the computer screen. Tomorrow will be more interesting i promise...~w
wendi's 11:54 PM ravings
I got my hair trimmed today. Not much, just enough to get rid of the split ends that were bugging me when sunlight hit my hair in the car. I felt very free having time to putter around town today after our shows were done. The sun was shining and it was a whopping 63 degrees! Ah, spring!
Still, winters weeds haven't left quite yet. I watched some television tonight and found myself weeping over Boston Public and Ally McBeal both. I felt like a sap for crying, but the stories just seemed to strike a chord. Something to do with issues of people speaking false of you, losing a student of creative talent to the street (with Killing Me Softly floating through the background), and then the question of when to give up on a relationship and when to hold out hope when all seems lost. There was a happily-ever-after that left a bittersweet taste after an i'm-afraid-of-forever-it's-safer-to-say-goodbye. See, but the thing is, i'm always getting the two situations confused. I have a heck of a time letting go when the other person has moved on, but i'm likely to walk away if it feels too "comfortable." Not that i've done either for a long while. I realized after the first 2 years of touring that the men that i've met just don't wait around for some girl running all over the country. Then there's that fuzzy line of being too self-centered and losing yourself in another person thereby neglecting your own responsibilities. Someone once said (or sang) "It's a fine line between pleasure and pain." From the outside looking in it seems like relationships are this fine tightrope or highwire and my bad vision can't see whether there is a net below me or not, so it's frightening to take any sort of major risk. I've landed splat on my face a few times now and am rather reticent to do it again. What i have learned though is this, that while i can always strive to be a better me, i can't be anything but me. In order to love or be loved the faults have to be accepted on both sides of the relationship.~w
wendi's 12:15 AM ravings
Monday, February 26, 2001
We made it to North Carolina by way of the scenic route. I was reading more of the Mahfouz book aloud when suddenly ciro asked me which road we were supposed to be on. I double checked the map and confirmed it was 441, but he responded with an "oh, shit" because he'd somehow ended up on 411. So, we'd driven about an hour the wrong way. Oops. Well there wasn't much to do at that point except take the Cherohala Skyway through the Cherokee & Nantahala National Forests. It was gorgeous, but the winding road made it too difficult to read. I would like to drive through there again in the spring when the trees are budding and the mountain laurels are in bloom, it must be amazing.
Why does the English language have so many words that when read by themselves are impossible to distinguish between two different meanings? Like wind, wound, read... And who in the world decided to have highways number 441 and 411 run together and then split in opposite directions? Sometimes i wonder about people.~w
wendi's 12:08 AM ravings
Sunday, February 25, 2001
Today we drove to Knoxville, Tennessee. I did much better with tonight's hotel, but it's hard to go wrong with a Sleep Inn. During the drive we finished Friedman's book From Beruit to Jerusalem, and turned our attention to another country in the middle east with nobel prize winner Naguib Mahfouz's novel Akhenaten: Dweller in Truth. It's an odd switch to go from a journalistic biography to a rich fictional narrative. This new book uses the mystery of the story of the 18th century Egyptian Pharaoh Akenaten as a springboard for a young man's journey for truth. The story is intriguingly laid out in snapshot interviews with friends and relatives of this "heretic" Pharaoh after his death. So far so good, i look forward to reading a bit more tomorrow as we finish our drive to Franklin, NC.
The reading got me thinking though. Why is it that it is so much easier to see the bad in a situation than the good? It seems like it is much easier to get locked into poking holes in a relationship than patching the snags. So many times the dream of what "should be" overshadows what "is." But where is the line when compromise is damaging to the dream? When is a wrong turn simply a detour, and when is it a dead-end? Sometimes it is possible to go back and start over, but once you get a good ways down the path you may look back to find the trail overgrown behind you and impassable. It seems to me that the Israelis and Palestinians have reached that point in their relationship where there is no going back to what was before. The only choice for both to survive is compromise that inhibits both sides from fully reaching their ultimate dreams. But, there are always those who will never be satisfied with half a dream. The extremists are the minority, but they have the power to make or break any agreement established by the leaders representing the passive majority.
All the therapy and counseling in the world can't make a person love what they see as faults in their employer, spouse, lover, or children. The question is whether to save the relationship that person can accept the faults and realize that there is more to relationship or if they will throw it all away as damaged goods.~w
wendi's 2:03 AM ravings
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